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James, I wouldn't start to interpret your experience, because I'm on the outside, while you're on the inside, but let me share what I know,and if it helps you, that's my purpose.

I believe that all of us who fell (or were dragged) into fundamentalist religion were vulnerable, and the root of that vulnerability is a yearning to connect with the universe around us. We needed to be part of it, and to understand it, and maybe - in some way - to own it, to make it personal and real. The idea of a personal relationship with God was very appealing for this very reason. The fact that we got singed by our experiences does not alter that need to understand, and to be connected. I think that's one of the reasons so many of us struggle so hard to be free of this religion. We were so open to it, and were betrayed. Now we still have this yearning, but we also have such wounds that we are terribly gun shy. And yet, we still need what we were looking for, and we're still as hungry for a real connection with the universe as ever, only now the search is complicated by fear and grief.

What I believe we humans do when we can't have what we need, or can't understand a situation we're in, is invent metaphors that we can relate to. The metaphor can seem very real - especially at night, half-asleep, or under the influence of various mind altering substances. In a sense, these metaphors are real, because they spawn from within us. They are us, but in a form we can visualize as being outside ourselves.

I believe we can only feel as connected to the universe around us (including other human beings) as we are able to see ourselves for who we really are. We're like a string on a musical instrument that vibrates when another string tuned the same is plucked nearby. In other words, we understand and recognize in others, only those things we have learned about ourselves. Sometimes those things are so scary that we invent metaphors to put some distance between ourselves and those parts of ourselves that we are convinced will be ugly, smelly, painful, or destructive.

If you extend this idea of metaphors to religious or spiritual experiences, it's easy to see where demons come from (from within us), where angels come from (also from within us), and where God comes from - that place buried deep within us that connects us with all of existence. I believe creating these metaphors is an important part of personal growth, but the danger is in imbuing these constructs with separate personalities with powers that are somehow greater than our own. They only have the power we grant them.

We've all escaped from a world that is inhabited by demons we co-created with our abusers, angels that are out of reach, a Father who remains removed and capricious, and a Son who seems at odds with the religious empire that has been built in his name. It's time to put all of these metaphors in their place - players on the stage of our own minds. The Pentecostal scam artists know that as long as they can convince us we have no power, and that we are just in the audience of our own plays, then we forfeit our power to direct the play. That puts them and their metaphors in complete charge.

To paraphrase the Great Bard, all of your mind is a stage, your metaphors are the players, and you are both the playwright and the director. Own it, and take charge.

Rob