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Mar 21 09 7:37 AM
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Mar 21 09 7:48 AM
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Mar 21 09 7:50 AM
Mar 21 09 8:03 AM
Looking4truth wrote: She is a hard person to get to be 110% honest (not meaning she lies, she doesn't...not intentionally--she just...like you said...acts like a typical pentecostal in presenting half-truths and also deluding herself in order to delude others, etc)....it has always been a struggle with us...I have to sweat blood just about in order to get her to open up to me...completely.
Mar 21 09 8:05 AM
Mar 21 09 8:09 AM
Looking4truth wrote: I have been more open than she has. I have had to pull and pry with her in order to get to to express almost anything emotional with me. But, despite this, I have no doubt that she loves me. Now that you mention it, yes...pentecostals are quite shifty and do not say what they mean most of the time...this could explain why she "didn't think about religion" when she told me that she loved me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. Then, a few days ago, while she was informing me that she had been invited by her mother to a pentecostal ladies conference and was going to attend...she throws in (casually), "I told you that I was one day returning to pentecost". I was floored, as this is NOT what she had told me...matter of fact she had made many comments over months that led me to believe that while she may always believe in god, she would NEVER return to that brand of christianity! I have NO problem with her believing in god, I do however have a HUGE problem with her returning to pentecost or any brand of christianity that would split us up! I agree with your saying that as ex-pentes our skill of expression is quite crude. I know that mine is...I say things in the most awful ways some times. And that is making my situation harder, because I'm being roughly honest with her, and she getting defensive...and we are getting nowhere in conversation. She is a hard person to get to be 110% honest (not meaning she lies, she doesn't...not intentionally--she just...like you said...acts like a typical pentecostal in presenting half-truths and also deluding herself in order to delude others, etc)....it has always been a struggle with us...I have to sweat blood just about in order to get her to open up to me...completely. It's hard...and I do not think she has the desire to leave that brand of pentecost...despite what it is going to cost us as a family.
Mar 21 09 8:14 AM
Mar 21 09 8:21 AM
Looking4truth wrote: Blackdog, I told her those very things in two excrutiatingly LONG conversations we have had this past week. I reminded her how they treated her before when she was a pentecostal! They treated her as an outcast! She has admitted this to me before (although, now she has changed her tune and defends them)! They would call her out of the crowd, from the pulpit...in front of around 700 people...and announce to all that she is a "prize" because she used to be homosexual and (the preacher would was saying this said..) that she was a "rare win" because homosexuals are hard to "win to christ". He would do this every so often...point her out...make her a spectacle and she would be so embarrassed...and all of those homosexual hating rednecks there would look at her in disgust as they would imagine her former sex-life. She never had any real friends...none that would actually be there for her. When she got sick (she has health problems), and couldn't attend church anymore (or not very often), noone would visit her...check on her, etc. She was alone! We met because we attended the same church...she had been there a while, but I was new to that particular church (although raised pente)...and until she met me she didn't have a single friend. She just told me last week when writing a paper on childhood that reminded her...that I was her first best friend. I fell in love with her and then she fell in love with me. .... She will die alone...and that kills me!!!!! I start falling apart everytime I think about that. Who is going to take care of her?? They sure won't...they didn't even check on her before! Her parents are old and in bad health...won't be around in five years more than likely...her sisters are sooooo busy...who is going to watch out for her???? ...it's too painful for me to stay around...but I can't stand the thought of leaving her alone either. I'm a mess!!
Mar 21 09 8:23 AM
Mar 21 09 8:26 AM
Mar 21 09 8:27 AM
Mar 21 09 8:32 AM
Looking4truth wrote: Luth, You are right...she has agreed with me many times in order to simply end a conversation only to let me know her TRUE feelings days or weeks later. The sad thing is that I had finally become a lot more tolerant of religious people (remember my militant era about six or so months ago)...I had finally gotten to the point that I could befriend religious people without it being a problem...even greet pentecostals who I used to attend church with in Wal-Mart when I'd run into them without want to mow them down with my buggy. Now...this has me angry again...pentecostals are stealing from me...AGAIN...and I'm not even a part of them.
Mar 21 09 8:37 AM
Mar 21 09 8:42 AM
Looking4truth wrote: ..and I forgot to mention...that in one of our long conversations about this this week she actually suggested that I return to pentecost with her!!! She has this fantasy in her head that we both return to pentecost, and remain roommates/friends! Can you believe that??? I...of course...reminded her that I'm an atheist...a REAL atheist...not someone who is simply angry so they are "ignoring god" by being an atheist. I also reminded her...that if I did really still believe down deep...what she is planning on doing to me would be enough to get me to run back to religion....because I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to deal with it when it happens (she talks like it won't happen soon, but she won't promise me anything--I tried to get her to---and she is gone this morning to a pente conference with her mom). I just don't know how I'm going to handle it. I'm not handling it right now...I'm a mess. I'm trying to be strong, dam*it...I really am. It's not working though. Blackdog...how did you manage to leave your wife and stay "together"? I just can't imagine!
Mar 21 09 8:49 AM
Mar 21 09 8:50 AM
Looking4truth wrote: Blackdog, I know the feeling..I've been smoking like crazy as a result of this as well. The church IS terrible! They hate everyone but themselves! I've even heard the phrase "godly hatred" used in that church...many times before...with my own ears when I attended there! I didn't remain their long...it didn't take too long to realize they were monsters, and I left.
Mar 21 09 8:53 AM
Mar 21 09 9:02 AM
Looking4truth wrote: Blackdog- I could never...in a million years be religious or pentecostal again. My mind has been opened, and it's at a point of no return. I was miserable before, and now I can actually get up in the mornings without "enough prozac to kill keith richards" (lmao at that statement). I can't believe she would have that fantasy either...I guess it's just her idea of things turning out "okay" in light of a horror story of a situation. But, she doesn't seem to understand that I would not be able to live with her....as to whether I could be her friend...maybe...but it would be via telephone after I moved about a thousand miles away so that I didn't have run into her at Wal-Mart ever! I really do not think she gets that. Gah...that's what I imagined...that's how painful it will/is/going to be. You describe it well. There are two main things I worry about (besides my heart recovering--if that's possible)...is how I'm going to be a good mother to my child with a broken/crushed heart...and if I'm going to be able to get through medical school...as stressful and demanding as that is in this mental shape.
Mar 21 09 9:06 AM
Looking4truth wrote: If I can calm myself down enough to talk to her about this, maybe we can have an open conversation...maybe. Although, the chances are slim, because she keeps returning to the same ole phrases like, "I'll always believe this way"..."You are an atheist, so you will never understand"...and so forth. I have tried to explain to her that because I used to be a pentecostal I CAN understand to a degree where she is coming from...but now seeing it all from the other side, I can't understand why she would want to return to that craziness knowing what all it did to her before. Maybe I can try writing her a letter, I'm better on paper usually. I guess it's worth a shot anyways.
Mar 21 09 9:12 AM
Lutherius wrote: Now, if I can take my own advice more often!
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