marriage and commitment

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agnosticostal

marriage and commitment

Lead

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Posts: 114

(10/28/08 19:15:54)

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hey everyone....long time no see. was reading another post where tandc90 said this:

I think you're right, James. I feel like I've been in an abusive marriage so am soured on husbands and marriage in general. I assume one day I'll realize this is just my experience and not indicative of marriage (God) in general.

and it got me thinking about my own thoughts on marriage and relationships in general. I don't see myself getting married for a long time.

After the pente experience, how do you feel about romantic relationships, commitment, and marriage?

Last Edited By: agnosticostal 01/28/09 16:01:34. Edited 1 time.

stubborn envelope

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Posts: 1260

(10/29/08 11:38:00)

exPc Fan

I have never had a boyfriend, though I am seeing someone right now. I don't know where it will go. I find myself extremely reluctant to commit to such a romantic relationship, to make it official that is, and I'm not even talking about marriage. I don't know if it has to do with my religious upbringing or not. I just don't want to commit to something until I really know it's what I want and that the person is truly special to me. Maybe my Pentecostal experience influenced me to take commitments very, very seriously because they can have serious consequences.

I can't even imagine marrying any time soon, even if I was lucky enough to live in an area where I could marry a partner I love.

James

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."
-- Albert Einstein

blackdog

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Posts: 464

(10/29/08 12:39:44)

Eh, my experience with Pentes severely poisoned the well as far as my thoughts on marriage go. Commitment in general I'm okay with, as I've been in a couple long term relationships since then. My ex was...and presumably still is...obsessed with commitment and marriage. (Mostly, so she can have a man to take care of her) I am not kidding, after we split up I think she memorized every verse in the Bible that had to do with adultery, marriage, and divorce.

DiamondGirllovesHarleys

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Posts: 678

(10/29/08 12:49:02)

exPc Fan

I no longer believe that you have to be married to be committed. Commitment is in the heart and if you love someone you don't have to marry them. I think if a person wishes to be married then they should but if you don't then don't. I used to think I was nothing as a woman if I wasn't married this is a lie a man doesn't make me who I am. Pentes and charismatics are so abusive in their relationships forceing women to submit and telling them all kinds of stuff. I actually heard a woman on the radio as I was scanning thru doing a teaching on how women should forget about education and focus on finding a husband and being a good wife. This was a woman. I wanted to call in but I was so mad that nothing would have gotten across. She said that it is not our responsiblity as women if our husbands don't love us but it is our responsiblity to love them. I wanted to slap this woman. Marriage is hard work no matter how much you love one another. It can be a great thing but it can also be a horrible thing. I think if two people love each other and are working at a relationship rather married or not they are committed.

Hello from http://www.thehauntedcastle.yuku.com

CaroG87

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Posts: 640

(10/29/08 18:26:47)

exPc Fan

My views on marriage probably weren't shaped by my P/C upbringing as much as by the experiences I've had as an adult ......

But my current thoughts is that marriage is probably not for me. It's a lovely idea and if two people decide they want to commit themselves to each other for life, then God bless them. That's fantastic, and I wish them all the luck and every success and grace they will need. As for me, I like the whole idea in the abstract ..... but in the concrete, I don't know that I necessarily want to share my space (personal, metaphorical, and bathroom shelf) with someone else. I don't necessarily want someone that close to me. I like the idea of a long-term relationship but I truly do not know if I will ever be ready to commit that deeply. Then again, I'm not entirely committed to this viewpoint 100% (bwaah! talk about commitment issues!) ........ and with my luck, as soon as I do say "that's it! done!" Mr. Right will show up.

I do think there is a push toward marriage (in the P/C realm) as the ONLY alternative to the "death curse" of the single life. I'm probably still the only one out of all those I grew up with who's still single (as in "never married").

Even my own faith tradition, which says there are 3 vocations of religious life/holy orders, marriage, and the single life, tends to short-sheet us singles as in some sort of holding pattern .... like we'll eventually gravitate to the convent/priesthood or married life or .... oh God, the HORRORS of being an old maid/confirmed bachelor. It's a shame, too, because I think the single life offers a lot!

Stargv

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Posts: 647

(10/29/08 20:21:24)

exPc Fan

After the pente experience, how do you feel about romantic relationships, commitment, and marriage?

Well as far as I feel about marriage I have felt trapped for a long time now, and like I didn't have much choice in the matter about getting married in the first place. (sorry still can't figure out the quote thing on here!)

Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you
And hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole
As you flew right through me-Flyleaf

CharlesinCharge

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Posts: 21

(10/29/08 21:26:27)

It's a sad state in general in this world today. Everyone is so selfish. Women want money, men want sex and no one trusts anyone. P/C ism view of marriage is easy. Its gettin married so you can have sex. The rest of the world is much more complicated. I have found nothing but sex freaks and golddiggers the last 2 years I have been single. Not a decent woman to be found anywhere and I hear its the same for women looking for men. We all have become too Narcissistic in this day and age. If a person has one flaw or rubs us the wrong way, even once they are done. How sad. The enemy has done a good job putting enmity between the sexes. I may be wrong but every woman I have treated like crap loved me more and could not get rid of them and the ones I treated like royalty quickly became bored with me. Up is down, left is right and black is white! Any thoughts on this subject?

DiamondGirllovesHarleys

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Posts: 679

(10/29/08 21:36:59)

exPc Fan

Women love bad boys I know I went thru my bad boy stage. I grew out of it. Women I think who let men treat them like crap and then beg them to stay have serious serious self esteem issues. I had men that treated me bad I had an ex once that when I left him he threatened to kill me and my family and meant it. It took me two years to get away from that man and I did and never went back after I was safely away but I also had to learn to value myself. This world is screwed up I will give you that. As for commitment people do give up too easily. All the sudden you wake up one day and the person you have been sleeping next too pisses you off so you bag the whole relationship. Some things can't be worked out but if you truly love someone you will try to work on it if it is possible. Some people stay no matter what,I am not that person anymore. If a man threatens my life its over,if there is excessesive drug use or drinking its over,cheating,major things.

Hello from http://www.thehauntedcastle.yuku.com

holly

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Posts: 51

(10/30/08 12:27:47)

Having messed up several previous relationships, i've been staying single for a few years to figure out who I am. Its helped a lot. So has coming out and not dating guys trying to convince myself i'm straight when I'm really not.

As a lesbian I really want a marriage-type-relationship (regardless of whether I can get the legal bit of paper or not) with another woman. And it took a while for me to think actually thats a possiblity and get past all the negative stereotypes i've picked up from various places. Plenty of people dont want that and thats fine but its nice to feel i have the option to choose my own lifestyle.

In terms of commitment tho I would want to take things very slowly and be with a girlfriend for 3 years or so before thinking about marriage (civil partnership or equivalent).

I personally would choose to save sex for in a reasonably serious relationship (its more of a personal choice than a moral belief tho) but I think this waiting till marriage for sex stuff is really silly - people end up getting married way too quickly just cos they want to get it on. And it causes a lot of problems.

stubborn envelope

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Posts: 1265

(10/30/08 13:19:41)

exPc Fan

I personally would choose to save sex for in a reasonably serious relationship (its more of a personal choice than a moral belief tho) but I think this waiting till marriage for sex stuff is really silly - people end up getting married way too quickly just cos they want to get it on. And it causes a lot of problems.

I, too, find that a very irrational way to think. Just because two people are married doesn't mean they love each other, so why should it be okay for them to have sex if their relationship is not healthy? Just because they have a piece of paper saying they're married?

James

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."
-- Albert Einstein

Parrotboy

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Posts: 55

(10/30/08 17:50:09)

James,
Congrats on finding someone! I hope its everything you want it to be and hope it to be. Being gay too, I know it can be a scary thing letting your guard down and letting someone in your life. If you let him in your heart, I hope he feels the same way and its a loving mutual relationship.

DiamondGirlLovesHarleys,
I drink from the same cup you in re to the "don't have to be married to be committed". You are so right about how a man not making you the woman you are. You don't need a man to validate who you are sweetie. A strong woman like yourself can enjoy a relationship and yet have her own self worth and value as a whole person. I am so glad you are away from that dangerous and mean man that threatened you and your family. I also agree that some things cannot be worked out and no, I won't live with a drunk, drug addict, cheater, or abusive person. I won't put up with it. I deserve better and so do you!

Holly,
I also would like to be married-whether same sex is ever legalized or not. I think taking a relationship slowly is very smart and can save a person a lot of heartache down the road. And yes, too many people got married too fast just so they could have sex. Sounds messed up to me.

Parrotboy (aka Squawkbox)

bootsiebabe

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Posts: 10747

(10/30/08 18:10:11)

Bending Light

The enemy has done a good job putting enmity between the sexes.

I guess it all depends on how much one would like to wish it into existence or consider the thought in a depth and level of it being "tangible"... *an enemy of some sort* vs taking accountability for ones own actions in any type of relationship.

You seek a relationship with a human? and you are human, no? add little demons, enemies that put emnity and woops there goes spiritual paranoia clouding your brain and ability to be in a relationship with another human. By the way, humans aren't perfect.

"We are all enigma in the circle of life, being ever entwined with creative evolutional progress. All precious to behold for each our differences." -- M. Cheri B.

stubborn envelope

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Posts: 1266

(10/31/08 11:30:25)

exPc Fan

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."
-- Albert Einstein

DiamondGirllovesHarleys

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Posts: 684

(10/31/08 20:46:20)

exPc Fan

We are unperfect people living in an unperfect world. I searched forever for perfection that God had that perfect person for me,charismatics make it all sound so sweet like wait on God he will bring you the perfect match and you will have all milk and honey. I wanted it so bad because of all that I had been thru however perfection don't exist and I waited eight long years for a man and I believed that it with all my heart even had visions of it. I don't know if Chris is my soul mate or not I aint sure if I believe in soulmates I know we love each other and he aint' perfect and neither am I. They really make women(or at least the church I went to did)believe that God has this perfect knight for you one that will love you and care for you and it will all just be so perfect and you want that what person wouldn't but then when it don't come or you keep waiting and waiting and waiting and it never happens,then they tell you things like you missed God you did something wrong your hindering your blessings,or you want a husband more than God so God isn't going to give you a husband. I have heard it all during those eight long years. AS for the enemy causing trouble between men and women well I believe in mankinds free will and most the time it is mankind male and female I aint putting the finger at just men who are not controlling themselves and doing right,people taking the easy way out in some situations. A man or a woman cheating on their partner and then saying it wasnt my fault you can't help who you love. Case in point Tori spelling and Dean Mcdermott they were both married to others Dean had kids with his first wife but decided he had to have Tori and she had to have him. Did the devil make them do it? No it was themselves refusing to control themselves. Too many people blame the devil when it is their own faults rearing their heads. If a man gets mad and beats his wife did the devil make him do it? No he did it out of not being able to control his anger. Also what do we hold dear is it the old fashioned idea of marriage? We talk about marriage and commitment but what is it? I mean really? The attitude is laxed about it if you don't like who you are with trade them in almost like cars. That is not my idea. I am in a committed relationship with a man I am not married to him but I am his in my heart and vice versa no paper is gonna change that. Would I trade him in if things got bad no I made a promise to him in my heart and my word is my bond. I hope that he wouldn't trade me in. A paper to say your married is really I think just another way for the government to tell people what to do. Besides commentmint is in the heart and if your heart is like I like this one for now then it aint going to last.

Hello from http://www.thehauntedcastle.yuku.com

Lutherius

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Posts: 3573

(11/01/08 07:06:54)

Happy Reprobate

Pentecostals are so sex-crazed that maybe most of their relationships are for the wrong reasons. The strongest and healthiest marriages I remember were members who were former Catholics.

I think historically, being sex-crazed is a result of boredom. When all you do is go to an emotional ecstatic meeting called "church," and come home and go to work during the week at a dead end job, without too many hobbies and social gatherings apart from church, sex probably seems exciting in contrast.

But, then again, having a skewed sense of reality produces many other side effects to boredom, such as stirring up trouble for excitement, eating like pigs, acting inappropriate in public to get a reaction, self-destruction, and many other things to make things more "exciting" because they live a dull, spiritless life and need a sugar substitute as it were.

Lutherius

"I cannot and I will not recant. Here I stand; I can do no other."

Martin Luther

Ex-Pentecostal Forums
Lutherius' Blog (Archived Essays)
Pentecostal Watchdog Society (Yahoo Allied Group)
derkrash@earthlink.net (My Personal Email)

DiamondGirllovesHarleys

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Posts: 685

(11/01/08 07:42:53)

exPc Fan

What is so sad is they think they have all the answers. They sit on their holy than thou pedistals and tell everybody that they know the truth. When in all reality if they knew the truth then they wouldn't live like they do. The bible plainly says that when you know the truth the truth shall set you free. They are so bound and so angry at everyone and if you dear question or cause them to question they *$!% you to hell. People are the only ones who *$!% people to hell God don't even *$!% people to hell.

Hello from http://www.thehauntedcastle.yuku.com

allgrownup

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Posts: 10

(11/25/08 18:46:14)

My thoughts on marriage have TOTALLY changed since leaving church...
I actually think marriage is archaic and although I've been married for over 13 years, I am not an advocate of marriage no matter how hypocritical that makes me lol.
Fortunately, my husband agrees with me, so that's probably one reason we've been able to stay together all these years. (He's ex-pente also)

*~*Tangerine*~*

I'm just a ball of sunshine and euthanasia.

holly

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Posts: 83

(11/27/08 03:30:48)

I think when i first left that church i was looking for a relationship as a sort of 'god-substitue'. To give some of the meaning I felt i had lost from my life and make me feel better and be committed to something and not have to question or see any negative at all in them. I was thinking about things in a very idealised way.
its taken a while (and some disasterous relationships) to get past that.
I dont think its a very healthy way to be as you have to let people and yourself be human and to try and see a realistic view of your partner as someone with both good and bad points. I've been single a while sorting things out , so trying to make a relationship work again with this new way of seeing things is going to be interesting.

freedsorta

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Posts: 5

(12/01/08 16:37:17)

Well, in my opinion, I was one of the more fortunate ones. When I was kicked out, I begged him not to leave because of me or because of what they did. He stayed another 1-1/2 years then left on his own accord, completely disgusted. I was already attending services where I wanted to go, so he chose where he wanted to go. We are both good with this and have been for 7-1/2 years.

We had been warned all of our lives that if we left that particular church, we would end up divorced. The fact is that while we were there, he wasn't completely honest with me. I put the screws to him, made some demands, he appreciated being forced to face his "stuff," and while we did come very close to divorce, had he not straightened up, we're still married. Neither of us are perfect, but both of us are willing to learn and grow.

marla191792

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Posts: 1913

(12/04/08 08:48:14)

Grace Abounds

I am very conflicted on this subject. Personally, I do not think I'd want a long-term live-in situation with a guy. The lack of 'paperwork' to me would suggest that he was just keeping me on the bench until he found the woman that he really wanted to be with. I have been happily married for 14 years now and it's not as though I'm out there dating. But my husband and I do both agree that we wonder why we were so uptight about premarital sex. In retrospect, it seems sillly. The way we were taught, it would be the destruction of our marriage if we gave in to temptation. Supposedly, if we waited, we would be so blessed.

BS

We both agree that it would not have negatively affected our relationship, and furthermore, we have seen some people VERY negatively affected by 'waiting'--people got married who, if they had lived together for even a week, would likely have realized that getting married wasn't a good idea. Also, there are some poor souls who were so guiltridden about 'giving in to temptation' that it caused serious problems in their marriage later.

So I guess I'd have to say that I do still believe marriage is a good institution ... but I'm not a fan of waiting until the wedding night.

www.pentecostalfreedom.org

Stargv

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Posts: 701

(01/29/09 01:25:49)

exPc Fan

Some people here and other places don't know what it is like to be threatened & guilt-tripped into staying in a bad marriage for the "children's sake", by family members. Even going so far as to say that if you follow through with a divorce they will NEVER be there for you again only for your former spouse and kids.

No one knows the way I feel, a part of me I have to fight
Buried somewhere deep beneath my skin
The emptiness in me is faded
And I can see my life is waiting
Now I know I'm living for who I am-Smile Empty Soul

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