Hello to my friends and new comers. I no longer spend much time on these forums, but I stop by from time to time to give an update on what's going on in my life. Though Pentecostalism is not relevant directly to this post, I mused that some of these reflections may actually be pertinent to what others experience after transitioning out of that particular religious movement. If so perhaps someone will share thoughts on that.
I've been on these forums since I was a teenager. I must have been lurking here at least since I was fifteen years old. I'm twenty-seven now. I transitioned out of the Pentecostal mindset at the age of fourteen at the same time I also happened to be going through abuse by non-Pentecostal family members and other relatives. I've now been a practicing Episcopalian for nearly eight years -- at least by tradition albeit one I've adopted. My actual beliefs are rather eclectic and difficult to describe.
I realized a few things about myself over the past several months. I have tended to have a problem with wanting approval from others. I particularly get upset with my mother for this lack of approval even though I should have realized a long time ago that short of a near-miraculous desire to change, she is never ever going to approve of me. She is never going to take my side or defend me no matter what. She will never accept me her claims notwithstanding. She wouldn't even let me finish out my childhood in my own household. I think she might love me in some peripheral paradoxical self-oriented way, but she's just not "all there." And if I wish to have her in my life, I will have to accept her for who she is, although I do have to draw some boundaries. I told her to stop coming to me to talk to about her problems for example since when I need to talk to someone she gets pissed if I go to her. And I won't tolerate abuse. But it isn't just my mother -- I have had a hard time saying "no" to anyone no matter how absurd the request or in some cases the demand. My boundaries have simply been too low and I have been prone to manipulation because I have been unwilling or even unable to recognize ruthlessness when I see it.
Out of my siblings I have in particular been the one that gets walked all over. It is as if I am not ever allowed to express anger, frustration, or assert myself. Other people in my family express these types of emotions without getting too much flak. Even my sister doesn't want me to express these kinds of sentiments, not out of any conscious ill-will. It's just a pattern that we have been socialized into: I'm supposed to make everyone feel great about themselves and never be "negative." The family I'm speaking of is not Pentecostal by the way even though this reminds me of how Pentecostal women are treated. It has gotten to the point that I have simply had to cut off certain family members who were abusing me emotionally and had in my childhood abused me verbally and physically. No one in my family was going to defend me, and who knows if it would have done any good anyway. The only way I could deal with it was to completely disown certain people. And I did heal a lot from doing that.
I realized a lot of these things over the last several months because I finally became cognizant of the fact that I was in an abusive living situation with a suite-mate. I felt really stupid and even angry at myself for not realizing how I was allowing myself to be used and manipulated for such a long period of time when in reality that person didn't have any more power than I gave her. It was an illusion. She was fired and didn't work or look for a job for the longest period of time and guilted and used me while draining my resources as I had to cover everything on my own and was locked into a lease and had very few means to move. It was like I had no privacy. She would read over my shoulder and everything. Scream at me, tear down all my family and friends. It got to the point that no one would come visit me anymore. And if we were on the verge of making a mutual acquaintance she would do something to run them off and make them never come back. She also became very possessive over me as if I was her husband even though I'm an openly gay man, and that was freaking me the F OUT. And I told her that. About eight months ago she quit her job. Her mother happened to be living with us at the time as well so I wasn't all alone in paying bills, but both of them were ganging up on me and constantly wanting, wanting, wanting. And then the suite mate cursed out my sister. And a little after that she came into my bedroom without knocking. Well, I was having a private moment there before bedtime. And she flipped out and said I was disgusting and called me a Satanist and blasphemed my devotion to the Eucharist as she knows I am very devoted to the sacrament in the Episcopal Church. I'm not going to repeat that part, but it was really scandalous. And I finally, finally, FINALLY realized how deeply she was abusing me. And I don't think that it's one of those things where a woman falls in love with a gay man -- although I do think she had a physical fixation. It's simply about control.
I began having dreams after that and even in my waking hours during meditation experienced similar moments of peril. I could palpably feel the urgency telling me to flee at all costs, that I was in danger. And I did worry she might try to kill me sometimes. In my dreams and even in my waking moments a dark rabbit would come and tell me I must flee quickly. (The dark rabbit has come to me when I pray to a particular gay person who was murdered and I ask him his prayers.)
I finally found a place of my own that I could afford without any room mates. I heard about it by word-of-mouth. I broke lease and only gave one day's notice because I was scared of what would happen if I divulged my plans because at this point she was demanding to know how much money I had and everything. I had to take a risk to do this, but it was absolutely necessary as I was spiraling into a terrible depression and even fear.
A few years ago I had an experience in which I thought I might die because I had taken a long walk in the middle of the night out into a dark wood -- I don't know why. And I had been surrounded by a pack of snarling wild animals, I still don't know what kind, but I could see the short bushy tails. And there was a shift in me and some other darker part of me took control whereas my normal awareness receded deeply inside of myself, and this other part of me had everything completely under control, calmly said, "Don't run," and he glided confidently out of there with those animals following behind. That strange experience has come to mind and I've thought of it as becoming a man. And that is what I've had to do to remove myself from this situation because I have finally noticed that I attract users, manipulators, and abusers to me like moths to light, I suspect because I have heretofore been so +%%$ naive and trusting and too giving.
It's like something snapped and I just realized that I didn't need anyone's effing approval. That it wasn't my responsibility to take care of people who won't work or even treat me decently, that I'm an adult now and if someone in my family can't respect me then they can stay out of my life, forever if need be. And that I need to be assertive with people and not allow them to take advantage of me or disrespect me. And I can do all of that and still be the kind, caring person that I am -- even more so because I can finally care for myself. And with what I've learned, I can come to recognize the kinds of people who are actually good to me, people whom kindness and friendship aren't wasted on.
This has been a really good year. I live on my own, I have a job where I work almost entirely by myself. I'm slowly saving money to eventually get out of this hell hole town. In the meantime I do have a couple of friends here and a beautiful church where I can have peace, stability, and a quiet atmosphere. I finally have some space. I have no contact with those former suite-mates. And I finally became a man, my own man.
I've been on these forums since I was a teenager. I must have been lurking here at least since I was fifteen years old. I'm twenty-seven now. I transitioned out of the Pentecostal mindset at the age of fourteen at the same time I also happened to be going through abuse by non-Pentecostal family members and other relatives. I've now been a practicing Episcopalian for nearly eight years -- at least by tradition albeit one I've adopted. My actual beliefs are rather eclectic and difficult to describe.
I realized a few things about myself over the past several months. I have tended to have a problem with wanting approval from others. I particularly get upset with my mother for this lack of approval even though I should have realized a long time ago that short of a near-miraculous desire to change, she is never ever going to approve of me. She is never going to take my side or defend me no matter what. She will never accept me her claims notwithstanding. She wouldn't even let me finish out my childhood in my own household. I think she might love me in some peripheral paradoxical self-oriented way, but she's just not "all there." And if I wish to have her in my life, I will have to accept her for who she is, although I do have to draw some boundaries. I told her to stop coming to me to talk to about her problems for example since when I need to talk to someone she gets pissed if I go to her. And I won't tolerate abuse. But it isn't just my mother -- I have had a hard time saying "no" to anyone no matter how absurd the request or in some cases the demand. My boundaries have simply been too low and I have been prone to manipulation because I have been unwilling or even unable to recognize ruthlessness when I see it.
Out of my siblings I have in particular been the one that gets walked all over. It is as if I am not ever allowed to express anger, frustration, or assert myself. Other people in my family express these types of emotions without getting too much flak. Even my sister doesn't want me to express these kinds of sentiments, not out of any conscious ill-will. It's just a pattern that we have been socialized into: I'm supposed to make everyone feel great about themselves and never be "negative." The family I'm speaking of is not Pentecostal by the way even though this reminds me of how Pentecostal women are treated. It has gotten to the point that I have simply had to cut off certain family members who were abusing me emotionally and had in my childhood abused me verbally and physically. No one in my family was going to defend me, and who knows if it would have done any good anyway. The only way I could deal with it was to completely disown certain people. And I did heal a lot from doing that.
I realized a lot of these things over the last several months because I finally became cognizant of the fact that I was in an abusive living situation with a suite-mate. I felt really stupid and even angry at myself for not realizing how I was allowing myself to be used and manipulated for such a long period of time when in reality that person didn't have any more power than I gave her. It was an illusion. She was fired and didn't work or look for a job for the longest period of time and guilted and used me while draining my resources as I had to cover everything on my own and was locked into a lease and had very few means to move. It was like I had no privacy. She would read over my shoulder and everything. Scream at me, tear down all my family and friends. It got to the point that no one would come visit me anymore. And if we were on the verge of making a mutual acquaintance she would do something to run them off and make them never come back. She also became very possessive over me as if I was her husband even though I'm an openly gay man, and that was freaking me the F OUT. And I told her that. About eight months ago she quit her job. Her mother happened to be living with us at the time as well so I wasn't all alone in paying bills, but both of them were ganging up on me and constantly wanting, wanting, wanting. And then the suite mate cursed out my sister. And a little after that she came into my bedroom without knocking. Well, I was having a private moment there before bedtime. And she flipped out and said I was disgusting and called me a Satanist and blasphemed my devotion to the Eucharist as she knows I am very devoted to the sacrament in the Episcopal Church. I'm not going to repeat that part, but it was really scandalous. And I finally, finally, FINALLY realized how deeply she was abusing me. And I don't think that it's one of those things where a woman falls in love with a gay man -- although I do think she had a physical fixation. It's simply about control.
I began having dreams after that and even in my waking hours during meditation experienced similar moments of peril. I could palpably feel the urgency telling me to flee at all costs, that I was in danger. And I did worry she might try to kill me sometimes. In my dreams and even in my waking moments a dark rabbit would come and tell me I must flee quickly. (The dark rabbit has come to me when I pray to a particular gay person who was murdered and I ask him his prayers.)
I finally found a place of my own that I could afford without any room mates. I heard about it by word-of-mouth. I broke lease and only gave one day's notice because I was scared of what would happen if I divulged my plans because at this point she was demanding to know how much money I had and everything. I had to take a risk to do this, but it was absolutely necessary as I was spiraling into a terrible depression and even fear.
A few years ago I had an experience in which I thought I might die because I had taken a long walk in the middle of the night out into a dark wood -- I don't know why. And I had been surrounded by a pack of snarling wild animals, I still don't know what kind, but I could see the short bushy tails. And there was a shift in me and some other darker part of me took control whereas my normal awareness receded deeply inside of myself, and this other part of me had everything completely under control, calmly said, "Don't run," and he glided confidently out of there with those animals following behind. That strange experience has come to mind and I've thought of it as becoming a man. And that is what I've had to do to remove myself from this situation because I have finally noticed that I attract users, manipulators, and abusers to me like moths to light, I suspect because I have heretofore been so +%%$ naive and trusting and too giving.
It's like something snapped and I just realized that I didn't need anyone's effing approval. That it wasn't my responsibility to take care of people who won't work or even treat me decently, that I'm an adult now and if someone in my family can't respect me then they can stay out of my life, forever if need be. And that I need to be assertive with people and not allow them to take advantage of me or disrespect me. And I can do all of that and still be the kind, caring person that I am -- even more so because I can finally care for myself. And with what I've learned, I can come to recognize the kinds of people who are actually good to me, people whom kindness and friendship aren't wasted on.
This has been a really good year. I live on my own, I have a job where I work almost entirely by myself. I'm slowly saving money to eventually get out of this hell hole town. In the meantime I do have a couple of friends here and a beautiful church where I can have peace, stability, and a quiet atmosphere. I finally have some space. I have no contact with those former suite-mates. And I finally became a man, my own man.
