I've always had an obsessive personality, and just recently discovered that I not only have an obsessive personality, but that I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which has evolved into scrupulosity since I've been a Christian. My OCD reveals itself in my aversion to shirts with logos on them and pictoral designs (don't know why, but I always got uncomfortable when having to wear clothing like that), I like to have the volume on the TV at either a 0 or 5 point (like 40 or 45, as oppsed to 41 or 47), I can't stand touching or stepping on cigarette buds, and I can hardly even say the word "cigarette", I just find them disgusting and dirty. I also used to cover open cups while someone was smoking around me like I was afraid that the smoke would contaminate my drink. I also hate being around anything that I consider to be trash. I can't stand drinking out of paper or plastic cups and I also hate sitting around paper plates or bowls (even if they aren't dirty). After I became a Christian, my OCD gradually evolved into scrupulosity. I strangely got to where I felt compelled to grimace every single time someone said the GD word and I prayed over every morsel of food I got, even if someone prayed over the food already. I would pray over ice cream, chips, and each individual plate I got while eating. It went from OCD over small things like this to ending up doubting my faith with intrusive thoughts feeding my doubts. I spent several months with anxiety while doubting my faith. I hated most Atheists and people of other religions because of my own insecurity. Next, I had anxiety about the possibility of being gay, and this drove me nuts for a while. After both of these, I began having anxiety about idolatry and sin concerning my mediums of entertainment. People preaching on giving things up and people criticizing my love of horror movies began to take their toll. For the last few years, off and on, I've dealt mainly with anxiety over idolatry and my movie preferences. I haven't been able to watch hardly anything but horror movies lately because I actually find them comforting lol. The thoughts that come to my mind to give me anxiety are, "You liking gory movies contradicts you being a Christian!" "God isn't pleased with that!" "Would Jesus watch horror movies?" "Philippians 4:8 means you can't watch horror movies!" "Enjoying scary movies is fellowship with darkness!" It goes on and on and on, and if you spent a day in my head the intrusive thoughts would drive you insane. The thing is, I know that logically none of these questions and accusations make any sense. My OCD is also very selective, because what could be said about horror movies could be said about a lot of the video games I play like Grand Theft Auto and Assassin's Creed, though I've had scrupulous anxiety about both of these as well (just not to this extent). I worry frequently about my love of gaming being an idol, even though I know it isn't. I'm embarrassed to talk about how much anxiety the questions over video games and movies cause me because I know they really aren't that important, but I can't help the fact that these thoughts bother me so much. I blame my scrupulosity on the preachers in my old church and the preachers my church associated with. I hate Pentecostalism for the mental damage it's caused on both me and on the others on this board. I'm a little embarrassed to post this but I've had a bad couple of days with my OCD and I thought that writing about it in detail would be theraputic. Time to enjoy some Scary Stories and zombie killing! LOL
