This weekend we ended up eating in the same place as our old "church family". I was with my own family and they were with their church cronies. I must say, my spouse and I felt uncomfortable and awkward...it's like a former friend who you know that knows alot about you yet doesn't interact with you anymore. I had to fight feelings of shame, my clothes were against the old "standards"..as well as the wine I was openly drinking. It's sad that one experiences those feelings (especially as an adult) but it does tend to linger on.
I saw the episode as a bit of growth on my part because I was not pretending to be someone who never imbibes or would never wear pants. I was being ME, which is more than I can say that they would do. I am not a hypocrite, I don't claim to be something other than I am...and yet I feel more compassion towards my fellow human being than they would. They are too busy judging such as I to think of compassion.
I've concluded that it was another step towards my healing and freedom of thought to run into these people. It takes a very long time for some of us to get to this point, but thankfully for me it's another step in the right direction. The tugging at one's heart to please God according to observances of standards can take so long to overcome...but I think I am getting there.
Every time I overcome those feelings I feel more freedom and less confusion towards God. Especially when I see those "observing" their standards withholding common courtesy and concern that their "ministry" supposedly commands them to do.
