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nghtmrchld26's posts on 12/9/07
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Re: Deliverance
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blackdog
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Mar 28 09 8:35 AM
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Sure...actually, some other things going on in my life and some of the people I've gotten to talking to more lately do seem to be helping me deal with the leftover "issues" I guess you could say.
The simple fact is, all the crap that my ex and the Pentes put me through has made things that were easy before difficult or impossible now.
For example, I've dated a lot and been involved with a lot of different women since my ex...but I haven't fallen in love...and it's not like I haven't tried or haven't been in some long term relationships. It is like there's some part of my brain that just doesn't want to go there again...or something. I no longer love my ex, but it seems like I don't want to fall in love with anybody else either.
On a smaller scale...though this does seem to be changing...I used to listen to music a lot before. My ex was pretty much obsessed with music and there was always a radio on or CMT or MTV on our TV set. For a LONG time, music made me think of my ex and a bunch of other stuff I'd rather not.So since then while I've gradually built up an impressive collection of music on my computer, it doesn't see much use. I've been dealing with some lingering issues lately though, and I actually had the radio on in my truck yesterday...it's a small thing, but it was significant to me.
It just seems...wrong...to me that I've spent years untangling the emotional and mental mess that my experience with Pentes left me in, while so many of them (Including my ex) go on as if nothing ever happened and things have always been like this. I wasn't always a somewhat reclusive loner, I used to be a lot more sociable. Seems like since my ex, it takes me a long time to warm up to most people. Unless I'm dealing with people I know
really
well or have some reason to trust...it takes a lot of effort to even have much of a conversation. This came about more gradually, and only really set in a couple years ago after the last time my ex and I had any sort of relationship but it's a lot harder for me to be social then it used to. I just don't like dealing with people very much.
I suspect, as the issues stemming from my experience with the Pentes get dealt with (A process that seems to be accelerating) I'll make some progress in dealing with my assorted problems.
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