Looking4truth wrote:
If I can calm myself down enough to talk to her about this, maybe we can have an open conversation...maybe. Although, the chances are slim, because she keeps returning to the same ole phrases like, "I'll always believe this way"..."You are an atheist, so you will never understand"...and so forth.

I have tried to explain to her that because I used to be a pentecostal I CAN understand to a degree where she is coming from...but now seeing it all from the other side, I can't understand why she would want to return to that craziness knowing what all it did to her before.

Maybe I can try writing her a letter, I'm better on paper usually. I guess it's worth a shot anyways.
Okay, maybe we can work with this. No matter what is said, if perhaps keeping the conversations away from a blow-up is feasible, this might work.

Perhaps it might be difficult to begin, but the best way to open the mind is to begin where the other is.

O: "I'll always believe this way"
Y: "That might be true. So how do you believe? I would like to understand it better."
O: "I believe the Bible."
Y: "Good, I want to know what exactly do you mean, and walk through your thoughts and see them clearly. How do you believe the Bible?"
O: "I do not want to go to Hell, so I have to go back"
Y: "Good answer, we are getting somewhere. How is the idea of "going back" connected with the idea of Hell?"

Maybe allow the other to do all the assertions without you saying any assertions whatsoever. The best way is to always begin the question with the words "What, When, Where, How, or Why"

Instead of the question "Do you believe in Hell?" Try "What exactly are your thoughts about Hell?"
Instead of "Do you believe the Bible?" try "How are your beliefs about the Bible?" or "What exactly are your beliefs about the Bible?"

The trick is to ask leading question with an interrogative word instead of leading a question with a verb. Notice the bad question "Do you believe in Hell?" sounds like an interrogation, and expects a yes or no answer, whereas the structure with a leading interrogative word "What are your thoughts on the idea of Hell?" is an opening up, expecting a discussion and not a simple yes or no answer. This might sound like a quibble, but it is an extremely important point in asking a productive question. Professional negotiators think the structure of a question is one of the most important things to master.

We are not master negotiators, but this little kernel of knowledge is a very good idea. Especially we Ex-Pentecostals with all the dysfunctional baggage.

Perhaps you can look at it like this: avoiding these conversations is dysfunctional, but we are not that skillful at dealing with conflict as Ex-Pentecostals, so we should maybe put forth some effort to develop these skills even if we stumble with the first few attempts.

Now, if I can take my own advice more often!

Lutherius, Ex-Pentecostal Godfather

"Never hate your enemies. It affects your judgment."
"Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in."
"When they come... they come at what you love."
"He'd better be careful. It's dangerous to be a honest man."
Michael Corleone

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