Blackdog,

I told her those very things in two excrutiatingly LONG conversations we have had this past week. I reminded her how they treated her before when she was a pentecostal! They treated her as an outcast! She has admitted this to me before (although, now she has changed her tune and defends them)! They would call her out of the crowd, from the pulpit...in front of around 700 people...and announce to all that she is a "prize" because she used to be homosexual and (the preacher would was saying this said..) that she was a "rare win" because homosexuals are hard to "win to christ". He would do this every so often...point her out...make her a spectacle and she would be so embarrassed...and all of those homosexual hating rednecks there would look at her in disgust as they would imagine her former sex-life.

She never had any real friends...none that would actually be there for her. When she got sick (she has health problems), and couldn't attend church anymore (or not very often), noone would visit her...check on her, etc. She was alone!

We met because we attended the same church...she had been there a while, but I was new to that particular church (although raised pente)...and until she met me she didn't have a single friend. She just told me last week when writing a paper on childhood that reminded her...that I was her first best friend. I fell in love with her and then she fell in love with me.

...and now she plans to leave me...to return to the hell of pentecostalism. She was miserable before...she used to share with me all the horror stories! Now, she has changed her tune...when I remind her of her past misery she denies it.

I did remind her that they would treat her like a "rock star" for a while until they know that they have her again...then, it will be back to the same ole sh*t...but this time...i won't be around to help her. As much as I love her...i'm so tired of my heart being played with. I honestly do not believe she has messed with my heart like this intentionally, I do believe it is the pente brainwashing that has made her this way. But, as much as it hurts to say this...I don't know if it is possible for her to change at this point in her life...she is in her early forties...and has health problems. I think their hooks are in too deep, but I can't stand the thought of her getting old alone (she will be required by them to remain single, unless she marries a man, but she will tell me quite fast that that would never happen--as she...like me...is not attracted to men)...so...

She will die alone...and that kills me!!!!! I start falling apart everytime I think about that. Who is going to take care of her?? They sure won't...they didn't even check on her before! Her parents are old and in bad health...won't be around in five years more than likely...her sisters are sooooo busy...who is going to watch out for her????

...it's too painful for me to stay around...but I can't stand the thought of leaving her alone either. I'm a mess!!

Pascal wus clever kitteh hu wus laik: "I am not knoin if teh Ceiling Cat is reel." Oh noes! But Pascal was thinkin an thinkin, an he wus laik "If I is beleefin in teh Ceiling Cat, and he is reel, I will be gettin cheezburger. But if I has no beleefin in teh Ceiling Cat, and he is reel, I will be getting pwned. If there no Ceiling Cat, no matter anywai. I think I is beleefin in teh Ceiling Cat."