I do not struggle with that exactly but I can definitely understand it. Do you mean because you left the church, he's punishing you ? And any little thing that goes wrong in your life, you wonder is that God getting back at me for leaving church? I don't think about things in a way of God' punishing me if something goes wrong. But I can tell you almost any time I think or speak out loud ( like on this site, for example) about my new beliefs and that the pente teaching is a bunch of mumbo jumbo, I get a little thought in the back of my head that says '' but what if they're right ? and your'e going to hell now because you're not towing the line '' It's just a very small thought and I think my logic overrides it but it is still there. I have to remind myself the bible was written by humans and their recollections and their own agendas and their own feelings about what they heard , handed down information. Are you still very, very angry about your experience? And mad at the people, the church or God about what you experienced? It could be your anger is holding your back. You're not jinxed, hon. But our attitude dictates a lot in this life. If you feel under a huge burden, you cannot climb out from tthat can hold us back, in itself. That may feel like a jinx. I think I've mentioned I mod at an anxiety forum . Many, many of the members have an attitude of ' i will never accomplish anything becuase of this anxiety. i cannot hold a job or school or relationship etc.'' . As long as they believe that , it is a self fulfilling prophecy. But then there are others who say ' screw this, im doing what i want in life and not letting anxiety hold me back'' .......and they go forward and move on. It's kind of a sad place sometimes because the same ones have been there for years making no progress while believing they can make no progress and we may get a new member who is there only a short time and gets enough courage to fight the anxiety off and they win and never come back because they don't ' need' an anxiety forum any more. I've learned a lot about people just by observing what goes on there. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself .............some of the truest words ever spoken.