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My Struggle With OCD and Scrupulosity
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Re: My Struggle With OCD and Scrupulosity
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TheVampLestat
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Nov 3 15 5:45 AM
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I have a psychiatrist but I wouldn't describe our relationship as patient-therapist. We have fascinating 15-20 minute conversations, he writes a prescription, and we part ways lol. I like my psychiatrist, but therapy would be helpful.
Horror movies don't really scare me very often, though The Conjuring (great film, probably the scariest I've seen) had me in a figurative fetal position for a week lol. I'm a big fan of Hammer Horror, slasher flicks, Hannibal Lecter, vampires, and zombies. Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing are my heroes lol. I recently conquered my fear of demon movies, and I am absolutely in love with The Exorcist. I've seen it twice and it's one of my all-time favorite films. I just like the stories, characters, and the special effects. There is a great quote from Wes Craven (RIP): "Horror films don't create fear; they release it." I wrote a short story recently about a young man who had been stalked by a vampire for his whole life that always paralyzed him so he couldn't do anything to stop it. While I was writing it, I realized that it was an allegory for sexual abuse and child molestation. I never was abused sexually myself, but I found that quite interesting!
My anxiety concerning horror films and entertainment comes from several "prophecies" I got during my time in church. This woman at my church who was part of the "spiritual hierarchy" would get onto me a lot for watching horror films (she only knew about zombies, so she'd always use them). It started causing anxiety eventually and I talked to my dad's assistant pastor and she "prophesied" that I should "lay those things aside". I asked her if it meant that I should lay aside the worry and fear and she nodded yes. This is odd, considering that she believes horror films are infested by demons (she claims to have seen spirits after watching the Dark Shadows TV series). Then the woman that spent so much time criticizing me ended up feeling like "the Lord was telling her" to tell me to stop playing zombie games. Out of fear, I stopped for a long time and eventually came back to it after I saw that the idea that horror films are sinful is totally unbiblical. My dad also eventually called me out in front of the church that I should "lay some things aside" and the assistant pastor followed him in saying that I needed to make some "sacrifices". I stopped playing video games totally for about a week. I know none of these things are sinful, and I also know that none of these things are idols. Someone theorized that maybe God was testing me to see what I would give up for Him like He did with Abraham and Isaac. The problem with that is that God didn't actually intend for Isaac to be sacrificed! Before my dad got a hold of me (the previous year actually), I got afraid that I was coming under conviction about giving up video games and I stopped playing for a week like I did later, and I got a call from another preacher (who, according to my dad, wasn't told anything) saying that God wanted him to call me and tell me that I shouldn't be so hard on myself. As comforting (and correct) as this preacher's assertion was, I do think someone had told him considering the fact that I'd called someone he talked to everyday for prayer concerning the matter and this guy doesn't keep his mouth shut about anything.
These so-called prophecies and countless sermons on giving stuff up for God have led to a distorted vision of God as a jealous tyrant who wants to take away everything you hold dear. Sometimes it gets to the point where I don't want to believe in God anymore. Who wants to serve a deity that you constantly have to be on guard of or else He'll make you stop doing stuff that you enjoy? Generally, I am able to push aside the worries that these people were hearing from God, but not always. For the last few days I've been having anxiety about zombie games/movies again and worrying that they were really speaking for God. I actually get a little anxious even thinking about the times where I stopped playing video games or watching certain movies. Wouldn't really describe it as traumatic but the time when my scrupulosity first started really showing up in full-force is actually a scary time for me to think about considering what all it made me do/stop doing.
There's a very real possibility that I'll have to live with my parents until January instead of moving to Nashville with my uncle like I had planned. I'm terrified of ending up back in that hell-hole of a church and succumbing to the anxiety. The only reason I'm thinking I'll have to is because it'll majorly cut down the cost of going to Western Kentucky University because I'd still be a Kentucky resident. I'm terrified. My parents are good people, and a lot of the people that are in the church (even those that unknowingly caused me so much trouble) are good people. I just think they're misguided...dangerously so. I don't want to hear about all of the stuff "the Lord is doing" in their church services. I don't want to deal with my dad telling me how much he misses me in church. There isn't really anyone else around here I could stay with. Both of my sisters probably couldn't afford having me in their homes. I don't have a job and there isn't a way for me to get one that wouldn't screw up my resume due to me having to quit in two months. Gosh, I'm freaking terrified.
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