jediwill83 wrote:

Its interesting what you say about attracting certain people because research has been done with psychopaths and sociopaths who were particularly predatory and it has been found that they can sense vulnerability or even if you have had past experience being taken advantage of with very little exposure to you.Literally can point you out and say "He'd make a good victim" I think we give off particular vibes and unconscious body language that some instinctively pick up on.


Yes, I think this is true.  And it has probably not helped matters that in the social ranking of my family I have always been and still am held in a subservient position.  Privileges, cars, expensive gifts, the most exciting presents on Christmas -- all that stuff always went to my brother.  He totaled a few vehicles due to intoxication and my mother simply bought him more whereas she told me she would not purchase a car for me because in her words I'm not a "natural" when it comes to driving, as if she would know since I didn't live with her when I learned to drive.  My brother has two DUIs and never even graduated from high school, but somehow he's the one who gets all the privileges.  And while she had the money to buy him multiple vehicles, pay his bills, support his drinking and smoking habits and so on, in my freshman year of college I suffered in pain for a week or more due to a cavity and had no extra money to take care of it.  I had already been covering my own therapy and medical needs since high school and at this time was also supporting myself in addition to getting a degree.  She wouldn't help me out and was angry at me for calling her about it and completely indifferent to the suffering I went through.  My grandfather helped me out that time.  It really hurt my feelings because in all these years I have been living on my own I have hardly ever asked for anything even when I really needed the help and I only asked that time because I was in severe pain and the cavity had gone all the way to the nerve.  I couldn't even sleep.  In fact my mother has told me repeatedly to not ask her for help with anything and actually had the audacity to tell me that if she treated my brother and I equally then she couldn't give him as much money!  So I always expected less or nothing at all not only financially but emotionally and to this day I do not like to ask for things even if it's something I am rightfully owed such as repayment for money I lent out or if something I ordered was incorrect.  As painful as this has been for me I do not envy my brother.  He is never truly independent and she didn't give him anymore love than she did me.  He actually hates her.  She has often wondered aloud why he would be the one to hate her whereas I do not.  I'm not sure why I don't hate her.  She has been very cruel to me over the years and physically abusive as well.  She told me not long ago she wished my brother, sister, and I had never been born because we're all F ' ed up and "why does it have to be MY kids that are so messed up in the head?"  I suppose it takes too much energy to hate and I am naturally empathetic.  And I imagine she has what she has coming to her down the line anyway -- karma's a b* tch!  But my brother saw how my mother treated me as well as my sister, and she wasn't all that great to him, either.  My siblings' attitude has been that since she won't provide anything in the way of love they may as well get what they can -- which means material goods.  Not exactly healthy, but that's how they think.  Fortunately I have a close bond with my sister and with my brother.

It has only occurred to me over the last several months during these experiences that this socialization process has made me more vulnerable to the situation I was in with the former suite-mate.  She often made me feel very guilty if I was frustrated that she couldn't pay her own bills and wouldn't work.  At times she even made me feel like I owed these things to her or that I was selfish and petty.  I didn't know how to recognize what was owed to me in a living situation not only in terms of financial contribution for shared living expenses, but respect and boundaries.  I have also had bad experiences in former relationships with men and there is one that I am nearly certain is a sociopath, but I have left them behind and it didn't last long.

In only the last couple of months I've been on my own a lot has changed, though.  I've already come across people of a manipulative nature since moving out and I had no problem spotting it in an instant.  It has been a shock to me that there are so many people like this!  That was my problem before: I just couldn't believe that people would be that way.  But apparently they are everywhere.  I have had to adjust my perspective and accommodate myself to the fact that I really must be very assertive and wary or people will simply walk all over me.  I've also got to stop ignoring my intuition.  I ignored some very powerful intuitive cues about a particular clergy person a few months back.  Three times I very clearly and distinctly saw him in my mind pulling away a blank white expressionless mask, one in his hand, one extended in the air between his head and his hand, and his face was a third white blank mask!  Every time I saw it I was filled with horror and dread and I ignored it, but that guy turned out to be a total weird freak and he caused me a lot of mental damage in how he treated me and I have strong reason to suspect that he spread personal information I shared with him to another of his parish members based on some personal questions she started asking me.  (Thankfully I am not a member of that parish.)

Really the best thing I could have done is find my own place, and my job is great too as I work alone.  This has really given me the chance to reflect on changing these past behaviors in myself while also giving me the space to actually think about it since I'm not constantly warding people off me.  I have noticed I've become more confident, I'm more socially at ease with people, my anxiety has decreased, I talk louder, and I'm not so self-conscious all the time.  This has really been a wonderful change.

Love and do what thou wilt St. Augustine of Hippo