Bev Sheldon:

I have often wondered what it would be like to get together with those pentes who were even open to my presence.  I see some of them at my place of work and can tell that the "air of superiority" is still there.  I can feel it and discern that they feel above me...like they are part of an elite club that has given them all the answers to life.  It's that very same "air" that shows me they are trapped, stuck, happy...whatever you want to call it, that keeps me from longing to mix with them again.  

As I mentioned before, if they truly cared for the "lost", why do they have such a condescending attitude towards us...and evenif they invite us to their meetings, it will invariably crop up...I CAN FEEL IT.  Their "standards" are in place and there is no room for real human interaction.  I get that more from people who have never stepped foot in a pente church.  

I do remember attempting to return to a service of my old church, as a "visitor" and the sermon was on how the standards of the church would not change and those who thought they would were like a cancer.  I got the message loud and clear...I was trying to make my way back but how dare I dressed in pants and makeup.  I was not ready for the boom to be lowered but the "message of love and acceptance" was not what the authority was interested in getting across. It was not what I needed to hear.

I had a fantasy that they would accept me where I was at, due to my pain and turmoil, that was not the case.  It's funny though, I thought the prodigal's son was accepted no matter what he had done.  I continually ask God where do I go next..and it seems I have to accept that unless I will walk, talk, and act just the way they are comfortable with, I will not be accepted at my old church.  (It is too much of a threat to the controlling pastor).

I'm leaning more towards trusting in an all-knowing God who knows me inside and out, that doesn't make me jump through superficial hoops just to make Him look good.  That's where I'm at right now.