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I do somewhat well in social situations, but it is very difficult for me unless I know the people well and have become comfortable with them. It takes a long time to build that level of comfort. I tend to confuse people. Often-times people will wonder about my sexuality, thinking I'm gay at first. When I actually confide that information in them, they intially believe it, and then later tell me they think I'm straight. Then they think I'm bisexual. I am also told often by various people that I am mysterious, and people have a hard time figuring me out.

Some days I do better than others. Sometimes I do very well in a social situation, and then suddenly find myself withdrawing and becoming very quiet. I often don't like to appear in public places unless there are large crowds. Somehow large cities and crowds actually comfort me. I live in a small town, so that's hard for me.

Somehow, I still manage to do well socially, and I find that when I meet people, I am told over and over that I'm really cool, and people really like me. Yet I still find myself withdrawing and observing.

I think there are several reasons for this. For one, I have always had an introverted nature even though I can be very outgoing at other times, often depending on my mood, which often cycles between extremes. Being shy is one thing, but I have also been emotionally, physically, and verbally abused by family and others throughout my life, and I was exposed to alcoholism and violence in my parents as a child. I have developed insecurities because of this.

I also have characteristics of certain groups of symptoms that predispose me toward feeling socially awkward. Part of my problem is that I have a flat affect -- not always, but most of the time, my voice is monotonous, and I can't change that. My face often, but not always, lacks expression as well. My movements and walk are stiff. I try to loosen up physically, but I can't. Walking is very uncomfortable for me because I can't seem to get my body to move right. I also think differently and can be overly analytical, even in childhood. I have been told that my teacher called my mother in kindergarden because when I was told to walk in a straight line, I locked my arms to my side and walked like a robot, refusing to bend my arms and knees. When a teacher told me not to talk back, I took this literally, and refused to say any words at all or answer any questions. I'm probably making myself sound much more strange than I actually am, though I admit I am pretty strange. I have come a long way, and not all of these symptoms are always so severe, but I do have them. Sometimes they are worse than others. None of these things help me in social situations.

I've always found myself exceeding my peers and often adults in insight and intelligence, yet I struggle with simple tasks and always did. I lack "common sense," I'm often told, but then again, I don't believe common sense actually exists. Figures. There is a lot of mental illness in my family, and I have no doubt this plays a role in many of these symptoms.

Then there was the whole Pentecostal trip. *sigh* When I became interested in religion -- I had always been spiritual, even as a child -- my step grandmother told my mother to let me try some mainstream church, something not so extreme, and I wish she had because Pentecostalism is not good for anyone's mental state, especially not mine. I have no doubt that the Pentecostal experience caused me to lose whatever social skills I had developed. I had no social skills in kindergarden, but I developed them quickly throughout first and second grade and did well except when I changed schools. But after a year, I re-gained my social skills. Pentecostalism gradually eroded that as I became more immersed in their delusions and odd behaviors. Never being able to wear shorts or go swimming in a public pool didn't help, either. An aunt of mine told me years later that she had worried I would never develop any social skills, but once again, after leaving that religion, I managed to re-construct my skills.

I will probably never be at ease at parties or with people I have just met -- with some exceptions -- but I'm at least satisfied that I can do reasonably well in social situations, at least, much of the time. Sometimes I can manage to make myself talk for a while and change the pitch of my voice -- facial expressions are sparse, but present. At times I can make myself move a little more awkwardly, though when I'm depressed, I move at an extremely slow pace. But I do well enough because most everyone I meet likes me. Different people I meet tell me repeatedly that I don't say much, but when I do, it's insightful, witty, and often hilarious. I manage to make people laugh all the time despite my serious tone in my writings, both online and in my journal.

I guess I'm sort of lucky to do so well socially considering the fact that I'm so different in so many obvious ways.

James

I also become very bored with mundane topics, which is probably why people tell me that I don't say much, but when I do, it's very interesting. Still, I enjoy social interaction, usually with just small groups of people, although as I said, social situations often make me uncomfortable, especially if a large number of people are involved or people I don't know.

James