I know I haven't posted much here in the past and I haven't posted in a very long time. But this question has been bothering me for a very long time.
During the years I was in the church, I saw a lot of horrific things. These things were bad enough that when I lost my faith completely, I was terrified of being discovered and hid it for years because I feared for my well-being and even my life. I didn't "think" they would try to kill me but I could easily see it happening accidentally as they tried to "help" me. Even now, years later, I rarely talk about some of the things I saw and experienced. The few people I have shared things with always have trouble understanding where I was mentally and why I didn't fight back at the time. And several have asked me why I never pressed criminal charges for a couple of the things.
I escaped that life and have no interest in ever going back. Some of the experiences still haunt me to this day but in a different way. I worry about the people who are currently facing such abuse. I feel like I failed them by keeping quiet about what I went through. By just going away and hiding, I've refused to shed light on things which may have reduced the suffering of others in that spot now.
Even these days, when I run into people from that church... I ignore the obvious and downplay my leaving and divert all conversation away from it. What I really want to do is scream at them. I want to demand answers for how they let it happen, how they participated in that, how they stayed or continue to stay when they have eyes to see. I want to shake them until they are forced to admit that only intentional ignorance is what allows them to sleep at night. For those that directly played a role in the abuses I suffered or worried about, I want to hurt them back... right there. I am the most peaceful and gentle person around but those few people bring out a rage in me that time has not cooled. But I just play the good guy and stay polite and formal with them.
Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone else regret their damned passive silence?
I realize that my rage is probably something many people here know. I think this is the first time I've ever admitted to it. I don't know if I'll ever be completely healed. I do not regret the past because it's made me the person I am today and I like most of the things I have become. But I hate those areas of my life where I can recognize that I am still crippled in because of that past.
Sorry this turned into a rant. I try to not rant these days. The original question is all you need to respond to. Do you wish you were doing more? What have you been able to do? What could I even do if I had the courage at this point? It's been too long and who is going to pay attention to me anyway?
During the years I was in the church, I saw a lot of horrific things. These things were bad enough that when I lost my faith completely, I was terrified of being discovered and hid it for years because I feared for my well-being and even my life. I didn't "think" they would try to kill me but I could easily see it happening accidentally as they tried to "help" me. Even now, years later, I rarely talk about some of the things I saw and experienced. The few people I have shared things with always have trouble understanding where I was mentally and why I didn't fight back at the time. And several have asked me why I never pressed criminal charges for a couple of the things.
I escaped that life and have no interest in ever going back. Some of the experiences still haunt me to this day but in a different way. I worry about the people who are currently facing such abuse. I feel like I failed them by keeping quiet about what I went through. By just going away and hiding, I've refused to shed light on things which may have reduced the suffering of others in that spot now.
Even these days, when I run into people from that church... I ignore the obvious and downplay my leaving and divert all conversation away from it. What I really want to do is scream at them. I want to demand answers for how they let it happen, how they participated in that, how they stayed or continue to stay when they have eyes to see. I want to shake them until they are forced to admit that only intentional ignorance is what allows them to sleep at night. For those that directly played a role in the abuses I suffered or worried about, I want to hurt them back... right there. I am the most peaceful and gentle person around but those few people bring out a rage in me that time has not cooled. But I just play the good guy and stay polite and formal with them.
Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone else regret their damned passive silence?
I realize that my rage is probably something many people here know. I think this is the first time I've ever admitted to it. I don't know if I'll ever be completely healed. I do not regret the past because it's made me the person I am today and I like most of the things I have become. But I hate those areas of my life where I can recognize that I am still crippled in because of that past.
Sorry this turned into a rant. I try to not rant these days. The original question is all you need to respond to. Do you wish you were doing more? What have you been able to do? What could I even do if I had the courage at this point? It's been too long and who is going to pay attention to me anyway?
H of S. Good post!
