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My father is still in prison; the only contact I have with him is the occasional letter, to which I usually promptly respond. He has apologized many times in the letters for his abuse of me, abuse of my mother, and his alcoholism. I accept his apology and do not resent him, but I don't really ever remember having an attachment to him, and I don't feel much of one now. I want him to get out of prison and do better, but what will really happen remains to be seen. If he ever stabalizes himself, maybe we will work on the relationship again, but it's going to start out very tentative. I will not be victimized again; I am an adult now.

I rarely had contact with my mother over a period of about four years. Eventually I decided that I wanted to do the right thing, whether she would or not, and I apologized for anything I did that was wrong, although I did not forget that my mother was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive to me. She didn't respond to the apology well, but instead let me have her usual stream of insults. She blamed me for the abuse she put me through. She told me that she didn't understand me, that I grew up too fast, that this somehow absolved her behavior. I ended that phone call by hanging up and didn't have any contact with her after that.

A year later, maybe less, my mom finally apologized. Honestly, I thought that would never happen, but it did. I now have a better relationship with her, but I've had to set up barriers. My mother has improved as a person, but she is not completely healthy in her mind or stable. That is to be expected, considering that she has suffered much of the same abuse I've gone through with her and others, and there is a lot of emotional and mental instability in my family. I talk to her only occasionally on the phone; I can visit her for a few days at a time now, but I started out only visiting one or two days. (For a long time I refused to visit her at all because it always resulted in me being verbally abused or blamed for anything she didn't like: she once told me that my sexuality was making her father die faster.) My mother is still manipulative. She has tried to manipulate me with religion. Though she isn't Pentecostal, she know I once was. When that didn't work, she would try to manipulate me from another angle. The sad part is that my mother is actually trying to encourage me to make unwise sexual decisions in her desire to change my sexual orientation. I've decided that the next time she does this, I will hang up on her. If I am talking to her in person, I will get up and leave the room.

I've been through a lot with a relative I lived with as well. She did not abuse me physically, and she was not Pentecostal, though she has been influenced by fundamentalism, something I consider almost as nasty as Pentecostalism. She was punitive and harsh, called any members of my family I have a relationship with to accuse me of devil worship and all kinds of things. When I made straight As, she would ask me why one of my grades was low (like a 93) and threaten to ground me. When my grades went up, same thing. Nothing I ever did was good enough. In her eyes, I was the child and she had the right to treat me any way she #$++ well liked.

My relationship with her has also improved, but once again I set the barriers, and I take charge. She will never lay a hand on me, and if she does, I will do something about it. I will not allow her to give me guilt trips. I will not let her scream and take her temper out on me. She will not accuse me of devil possession or call my family members to tell lies. And I will not allow her to use people I am close to, to manipulate and control me. I hardly saw her for two years, and if she ever does any of these things again, I will make sure I will not visit her, and if I need somewhere to go, I have other family members; in a year or so, hopefully I will have my own apartment.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that the best thing to do, though it is very painful -- I should know -- is to erect barriers that you will not allow to be crossed. If the situation is severe enough, there may need to be a clean break; that break might be temporary, as it was with me, or it may be permanent. Even if you decide that it is safe and healthy to connect with your parents again, like me, you will have to erect barriers. You cannot let those barriers be crossed. You must be the one to take charge.

I wish you luck. I'm sure many people on these forums can identify in varying ways with what you are going through.

Peace,
James