Hi. It has been almost two years since I left that church and my ex-husband. Although I have liberty and don't really think about the past life anymore, I realize that I am still hurting. My ex will be mean to me all of a sudden in texts after a streak of being kind. Last night, all of a sudden, he wrote me a horrible text telling me that he was going to go to court and get custody of my kids. Happy Holidays to you too, you mean hearted person. He said I better have a lawyer, and he knows I can't afford one. He has all the money since he makes 100k a year. He knows I don't have squat. Right now we both have 50/50 with custody and placement, but I couldn't afford a place to live and had to go back to living with my mom for a while. It is expensive to live in the city I live in the way it is. Now he says he is going to get full for everything. I just don't know what to do. I am a good mom and loving to my kids, but he won't let me see them half the time either, depending on his moods. I can't afford to go to court, and there is no help out there getting a lawyer for subsidy either, I tried before.
Also, I just know the lies he is telling that church he goes to that I used to be a part of. HOw much of an backslider a I am and to keep the kids away from me at all costs just because I had a case of beer in my truck and some cigarettes. I don't understand because I am a good person, and I always have been compassionate and kind to everyone. That church always berated me on how awful of a person I was and how I didn't listen to my husband. They supported him and all the abuse he put me through, and they think it is my fault that my home life was the way it was. I feel worthless and sad. I just can't shake how the awful feeling I have about myself and that all of these misfortunes are happening to me.
I have also had a couple relationships with a couple of very attractive men since my divorce, all ending bad or hurtful because of my conditioned state from when I was married. I can't take the pain anymore of life sometimes, on top of dealing with the flashbacks of being brainwashed from those people and how hard it is to deal with my ex as well. Maybe I should go into isolation for a while again until I am fully healed. I don't know what to do at this point. I definitely don't want to date other men right now. And finding friends is really hard since I lost all of them from when I was isolated for 11 1/2 years. I work with a lot of people at my job, but that is as far as that goes--they are just "the client."
So, that is where I am at right now, remembering the words of those people at that church, making me feel so small, Feeling worthless and hopeless this Christmas, nothing means anything to me except my kids, and I can't even see them for any long period of time. I am so hurt. : Can I ever find the person I used to be before this mess? And can I save my children out of this mess without money?
I am going to have to read some books like "It's my Life Now" or something.